My Wife Said She Hated Me

On Saturday Misty and I needed to go do some shopping. The two of us were riding all over the country pricing the item we were looking to buy and had plenty of time to talk. During our ride Misty told me about some counsel she gave to a woman who came to her seeking help for a relationship problem. When asked by the woman if Misty had ever hated me during our 21 plus years together, Misty said, "I told her I hated you 3 times and then told her exactly when those 3 times were." I was a little taken aback by Misty's precise nature regarding her hatred for me. As I fully expected, Misty was more than willing to tell me what those 3 times were. Now in my defense, 2 of those times were not completely my fault. They had to do with emotions that come along when a woman is pregnant and I was the recipient of her hatred. I can handle that blame seeing as how she and I were each partially responsible for her pregnancies. The other time she hated me was shortly after our boys were born and I was a stupid husband. I don't remember the exact event but she did. She told me I had gone to play basketball with some friends that evening and then complained about being tired when I came home. She was also tired after working all day and then feeding, bathing, and caring for 2 kids under a year and a half old. I did stupid stuff like this early in our marriage and I have to own it because it left a mark on her, so much so she remembers her hatred for me in that moment. The remarkable thing is the grace she showed me in all three of those instances, even when I wasn't aware of her feelings or her forgiveness. She said she may have hated me in that moment with "ever cell in her body" but in the next moment she forgave me. We went on to talk about how marriage requires much more grace and forgiveness than it does anything else. 

As I do premarital counseling with couples I always tell them that marriage is God's perfect design for human relationships attempted by imperfect people. This is because we are all sinful, broken people who at times put our own wants, needs, and desires before the wants, needs, and desires of our spouse. Since we are two imperfect people attempting to live life together, marriage will have those times where you may love the person you are married to but you may not like them very much. In those times when anger, frustration, or even hatred creep up in your marriage, remember that grace and forgiveness need to be shared in greater amounts than those feelings that can tear your marriage apart. The bible tells us that forgiveness should be a part of the relationships we have with other people (Matthew 6:14; Luke 17:3). What should remind us to extend forgiveness in our marriage is what Paul writes in Colossians 3:13 (NIV). He wrote, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." If you are a Christian, then God has forgiven you every wrong you've ever committed against Him. How then can you not be willing to extend forgiveness and grace to your spouse? I believe that grace and forgiveness are the two most valuable commodities in marriage and, unfortunately, they are the things we sometimes seem so unwilling to share. If we want a strong and healthy marriage relationship, then we must be willing to forgive and extend grace to our spouse, even though it will cost us.

Today I would encourage you to start making grace and forgiveness towards your spouse a daily practice. Forgive them of their shortcomings, knowing full well you have your own. Give them grace because the next time they love you but don't like you, you'll want grace from them too. If you do, then you can have a marriage where your spouse can tell you they hated you and your marriage won't be affected by it.

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